Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Back to the Land Before Time, Pre-History!

Don't look so pale from that vicious, unprompted Velociraptor attack! Our adventures in time have just begun! We must go to the time of Pre-History, a time before  Christ, a time before modern civilization, a time before potato chips! 

I will begin long ago, with a piece my professor requested...
http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ls3bvqsYpL1r3hlz0o1_400.jpg
(Image from Butt Artistry at Tumblr.)
BEHOLD! The most beautiful bottom of the 25,000-21,000 B.C. world.The Venus of Willendorf! 
That lovely woman is a limestone sculpture in the round, she's also the oldest known art piece.
http://www.thisismarilyn.com/artwork/lillis3-2009100784929-Marilyn_Willendorf-original.jpg
With an artist rendition, just for funsies. (Ben Heine, "Venus of Willendorf".)

( Image from this blog.)
My next travel through time took me to France, to document the Lascaux cave paintings.
What a gorgeous 16-foot bull, spray painted by someone spitting into a bone, a long long time ago in 15,000 B.C, in a cave in France.Yup.

I made a stop to another cave to see the Altamira cave paintings in Spain.
(Image found here.)
These pre-historic cave paintings are about 15,000 years old, and quite different from the French ones in the Lascaux caves. Well, different cultures different tastes. But... Bull tastes pretty good to pre-historic man, I imagine.

And of course my journey brought me to Stonehenge.
56 dreadful pits surround this ominous sight, all filled with cremated human bones and rubble. I shutter to imagine what sort of diabolical monsters created this cryptic place, compete with it's own slaughter stone.  
 
(Image found here.)

My next quest took me to Mesopotamia in 21,000-25,000 B.C.
 
BEHOLD! ...
 ...Hm, not too impressive.
 
BEHOLD! An artist rendition of what ziggaurats at this time actually looked like. Impressive, no? Well, if you had seen it for yourself like I had you would think so.
 These step pyramids were what we believe the Tower of Babel was, they were seen as a way to reach God and the heavens.  

While I was in the area I decided to make a pit-stop to the Second Wonder of the Ancient World: The Hanging Gardens of Babylon. 
http://www.neo-utopia.eu/uploads/gallery/album_9/gallery_532_9_97547.jpg
(Artist unknown.)
These 605 B.C. gardens of king Nebuchadnezzar were quite gorgeous, it was an incredible site to see.

Next my journey led me to North America in 1070 C.E., at a nice grassy area of Ohio.
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/80/Serpent_mound_8438.jpg/250px-Serpent_mound_8438.jpg 
(Image from Wikipedia.)
This ancient golf course...  Oh, wait. Actually this is an effigy mound that is shaped like a serpent. ...Perhaps an aerial view would be better.

 
(Image from Cave to Canvas.)
Ah, yes. You can see the serpent now. This mound is the largest in the world. Unlike what I originally thought, (especially after being to Stonehenge), this site is actually for religious purposes and is not a giant snake-shaped grave. 
 Next I visited Canyon lands, Utah, long before it was declared a National Park.
The people in this pictograph... They're watching us... 

My very last stop was going to find the earliest art made in North America. A carving on either a mammoth or mastodon bone was found in Florida. 
http://msnbcmedia4.msn.com/j/MSNBC/Components/Photo/_new/110622-MammothPhoto-hmed-0825a.grid-6x2.jpg
(Image from NBC News.)

And here you have... A mammoth on a mammoth! Such profound art for early man! The mammoth symbolizes a mammoth, and it lies on the bone of a real mammoth, symbolizing that this portion of my journal has come to a close, and I will return to my own era for the time being. I will see you all soon, with even more ancient art documents for my professor. Ta-ta for now~!

Monday, September 10, 2012

Quick, into the time machine!

Hurry, get in before the Velociraptors do! We have to go back, far back, beginning of man back! We were given a mission to collect and study all the art of the ancient world up until the 20th century. And we have to present our studies in a way that holds the interest of the professor... The fate of the world depends on this. And I have to be careful this time, those Velociraptors don't belong in the 23rd century.
So, will you come with me on this quest? I need you, the professor needs you, your country needs you... to follow this log of my studies in art history! So please watch your step when entering the time machine and keep all eyes fastened on your screen.